Collective nouns always seemed quite
ridiculous to me for a number of reasons. There were so many of them to start
with that it was impossible to remember them all. As well as a swarm of
bees, a pack of dogs, and a murmuration of starlings - there’s a cackle of
hyenas, a flamboyance of flamingos, a scurry of squirrels, a memory of
elephants, a rhumba of rattlesnakes, a stubbornness of rhinoceroses, an
implausibility of gnus, a descent of woodpeckers… I’ve barely started. What
sort of linguistic madness is this? Who, in their right mind, is going to announce
in the middle of their safari trip: ‘Oh, look, a stubbornness of rhinoceroses.’
People will think you’re in need of sedation, or a course of lessons in
‘getting a grip’. Would there ever be a situation, in any normal life, where
the knowledge that a gang of rhinos is called a stubbornness, would in any way
be useful, or interesting? Or would it always make you look like some kind of a
loser in desperate need of a straight-talking friend?
And what do you do if you spot a few
zebras, for example, and you don’t know the correct collective noun? Do you risk
being humiliated by the resident pedant in your jeep by saying, ‘Oh, look at
that lovely bunch of zebras’? Actually, zebras would be a good one to choose as,
with luck, the pedants would start a small war as they argue whether zebras are
a dazzle, a crossing, a zeal, a cohort or a bog-standard herd, all of which
(according to the blabbernet) are correct. Think I’ll stick to bunch myself -
might catch on.
It gets worse, you wouldn’t credit
it, but it does. Geese are a good example of the English language completely
losing the right to be taught ever again. You’re probably murmuring ‘gaggle’
under your breath but just hold on to your (herd of) horses. A gaggle is only
used when geese are on the ground. If they’re flying then it’s a skein
of geese. That is completely batty. (A colony of bats, if you’re really
interested.) Hit google and you’ll discover that nearly every animal has more
than one option. Bats are also a cloud; hyenas a clan; squirrels a dray; elephants
a herd…
Did you know (do you care) that this
psychosis for giving ridiculous names to groups isn’t confined to animals? I
didn’t realise this myself, until recently, well, about ten minutes ago, as my
teachers (St. Georges, Maida Vale, London – name and shame) decided not
to expand my vocabulary beyond collective nouns for animals. What were they
playing at? No wonder I never made it in the City or politics. I could have
been Prime Minister had they taught me that it’s an argument of wizards, a banner
of knights, a charm of fairies, a flap of nuns, a glory of unicorns... And no,
a unicorn is not another animal!
And why stop there? What sort of a
half-hearted language is it that doesn’t have a collective noun for a
load of forks, for example? Pathetic. I’m going to invent one now. From now on
it’s a fusillade of forks. Yes, that sounds good. ‘Hey Linda, some hungry
guests have just arrived, shall I open a tin of peaches and grab a fusillade of
forks from the drawer?’ And what about flowers? Don’t they deserve collective
nouns? ‘When they’ve gone, I think I’ll plant a riviera of roses in front of
the bins. Wha’dya think?’
‘Great idea! And how about a doodle
of daffodils next to the compost heap?’
‘Oh, well, I thought a hysteria of
wisteria would look good there. Is that a siren I can hear?’
‘Yes, it must be an alarm of
ambulances. I think they’ve stopped outside: get your coat!’
So, should we bring back the
teaching of collective nouns? In fact, wasn’t this one of the main arguments
for Brexit? Taking back control of our collective nouns? I’m sure Boris Johnson
said they’d been banned by the EU. Sadly, I think that ship (fleet, if there
are more than one) has sailed. Could you imagine trying to sort out the mess
and then deciding on one name to
learn for each? I mean, you couldn't expect children to learn them all. That would cause an almighty row, as all the pedants (and Michael Gove)
argued about which one was 'correct'. I always thought ‘mischief’ was correct
for rats, as that was what my teachers had taught me. It’s quite a revelation
to learn that your teachers were quite possibly useless. Worrying, really. No,
probably best not to bother exhuming collective nouns. It would only
start a row as I said ‘mischief’ and other people said ‘plague’ or ‘swarm’ or
‘pack’ or ‘colony’. Or even ‘horde’. Because that was what they learned
at school while I was being reliably informed that it was a ‘mischief’ - and
hit with a plimsole if I didn’t remember it the following Tuesday morning. I'm
going to stick with 'mischief' myself. No particular reason - except for the
psychological scars.
If you like the blog, why not read the eBooks? Zen Kyu Maestro: An English Teacher's Spanish Adventure, (Monday Books) available from Amazon.
And the sequel: Cucuruchos or Cucurachas? An English Teacher's Spanish Dilemma, eBook or paperback from Amazon.
Zen Kyu Maestro Cucarachas eBook paperback
