A Load of Rubbish? Is there anything more pointless than trying to understand collective nouns?

   

Did you know that the collective noun for rats is a 'mischief'? I remember learning loads of collective nouns when I was at school. Learning collective nouns (as they’re called) used to be an essential part of a good education, once upon a time. (As was Latin, learning how to use a slide rule, and being hit with plimsoles or rulers by your teachers.) Then it all went out of fashion. 

            Collective nouns always seemed quite ridiculous to me for a number of reasons. There were so many of them to start with that it was impossible to remember them all. As well as a swarm of bees, a pack of dogs, and a murmuration of starlings - there’s a cackle of hyenas, a flamboyance of flamingos, a scurry of squirrels, a memory of elephants, a rhumba of rattlesnakes, a stubbornness of rhinoceroses, an implausibility of gnus, a descent of woodpeckers… I’ve barely started. What sort of linguistic madness is this? Who, in their right mind, is going to announce in the middle of their safari trip: ‘Oh, look, a stubbornness of rhinoceroses.’ People will think you’re in need of sedation, or a course of lessons in ‘getting a grip’. Would there ever be a situation, in any normal life, where the knowledge that a gang of rhinos is called a stubbornness, would in any way be useful, or interesting? Or would it always make you look like some kind of a loser in desperate need of a straight-talking friend?

            And what do you do if you spot a few zebras, for example, and you don’t know the correct collective noun? Do you risk being humiliated by the resident pedant in your jeep by saying, ‘Oh, look at that lovely bunch of zebras’? Actually, zebras would be a good one to choose as, with luck, the pedants would start a small war as they argue whether zebras are a dazzle, a crossing, a zeal, a cohort or a bog-standard herd, all of which (according to the blabbernet) are correct. Think I’ll stick to bunch myself - might catch on.

            It gets worse, you wouldn’t credit it, but it does. Geese are a good example of the English language completely losing the right to be taught ever again. You’re probably murmuring ‘gaggle’ under your breath but just hold on to your (herd of) horses. A gaggle is only used when geese are on the ground. If they’re flying then it’s a skein of geese. That is completely batty. (A colony of bats, if you’re really interested.) Hit google and you’ll discover that nearly every animal has more than one option. Bats are also a cloud; hyenas a clan; squirrels a dray; elephants a herd…

            Did you know (do you care) that this psychosis for giving ridiculous names to groups isn’t confined to animals? I didn’t realise this myself, until recently, well, about ten minutes ago, as my teachers (St. Georges, Maida Vale, London – name and shame) decided not to expand my vocabulary beyond collective nouns for animals. What were they playing at? No wonder I never made it in the City or politics. I could have been Prime Minister had they taught me that it’s an argument of wizards, a banner of knights, a charm of fairies, a flap of nuns, a glory of unicorns... And no, a unicorn is not another animal!

            And why stop there? What sort of a half-hearted language is it that doesn’t have a collective noun for a load of forks, for example? Pathetic. I’m going to invent one now. From now on it’s a fusillade of forks. Yes, that sounds good. ‘Hey Linda, some hungry guests have just arrived, shall I open a tin of peaches and grab a fusillade of forks from the drawer?’ And what about flowers? Don’t they deserve collective nouns? ‘When they’ve gone, I think I’ll plant a riviera of roses in front of the bins. Wha’dya think?’

            ‘Great idea! And how about a doodle of daffodils next to the compost heap?’

            ‘Oh, well, I thought a hysteria of wisteria would look good there. Is that a siren I can hear?’

            ‘Yes, it must be an alarm of ambulances. I think they’ve stopped outside: get your coat!’

            So, should we bring back the teaching of collective nouns? In fact, wasn’t this one of the main arguments for Brexit? Taking back control of our collective nouns? I’m sure Boris Johnson said they’d been banned by the EU. Sadly, I think that ship (fleet, if there are more than one) has sailed. Could you imagine trying to sort out the mess and then deciding on one name to learn for each? I mean, you couldn't expect children to learn them all. That would cause an almighty row, as all the pedants (and Michael Gove) argued about which one was 'correct'. I always thought ‘mischief’ was correct for rats, as that was what my teachers had taught me. It’s quite a revelation to learn that your teachers were quite possibly useless. Worrying, really. No, probably best not to bother exhuming collective nouns. It would only start a row as I said ‘mischief’ and other people said ‘plague’ or ‘swarm’ or ‘pack’ or ‘colony’. Or even ‘horde’. Because that was what they learned at school while I was being reliably informed that it was a ‘mischief’ - and hit with a plimsole if I didn’t remember it the following Tuesday morning. I'm going to stick with 'mischief' myself. No particular reason - except for the psychological scars.

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